BrokenJPG

A Copywriter’s Blog
Numbers Game Ben Levy 29, January

Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that as of today, I Have A Dick. Now What? has officially sold hundreds of copies. 201 copies, specifically. Which is, technically, hundreds.

I was really excited when the count got to 198, causing me to tell some people about it, causing some people to ask why I didn’t just lie and say that I had sold hundreds of copies without all the trouble of waiting for it to actually happen. They missed the point. It wasn’t about making a cliched claim. It was about reaching the milestone that cliched claim represented.

Speaking of milestones, this is my 405th post. If I had any sort of plan for these things, this would have been my 400th post. Alas, that was my four-hundred-and-third.

But I feel like, to honor the sale of my 200th book, and my 405th blog post, I should do something special. Something I’ve never done before. Something like share a piece of the concept art for my second book:

Screen Shot 2012-01-30 at 12.05.31 AM

It’s aimed at a slightly younger audience. Because if there’s one thing funnier than telling people you wrote a book about dicks, it’s telling people you wrote a book about dicks and a children’s book.

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28 in Dog Years Ben Levy 22, January

Today is the fourth anniversary of BrokenJPG! Quick- somebody make a poop joke!

Oh. Covered that, huh? Maybe some technology humor?

Really? Jeez. Ok, how about a hate-fueled rant regarding popular culture?

Augh! Fine! Let’s just rip on something topical!

Yeah, yeah, you’re right. That is how this whole thing got started.

Fuck. I better come up with some new material before this shit gets stale.

…aaaaaand there’s your poop joke.

Eh? EH? Zing.

hey look
you found
the hidden text!
Ninjas

Seriously, who’s still reading this stuff?

Thanks internet, for suffering through my self-indulgent crap for a whole four years! It warms the cockles of my heart. Which is creepy. Get out of my cockles, you perverts.

Boom Boom from Larry Ziegelman on Vimeo.

This is the politically inappropriate terrorist bombing video I always wanted to see.

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2012: It ain’t last year Ben Levy 2, January

Listen up boys, girls, and biologically confused organisms: I’ve been spewing self-indulgent crap all over this URL for nearly 3 years now. I think it’s time for some changes. I’m gonna update the wrote-it-and-forgot-about-it WTF at some point, but let’s go over the ground rules here.

The “post on Monday” thing, isn’t really working for me. I feel like I’m just phoning it in Sunday evening most of the time, and that sucks. So instead, I’m going to try to update at least once a week. I’ll write when the mood hits me, which I’m hoping will result in better content, even if it’s less content. If you can’t handle uncertainty in your life- you probably shouldn’t be on the internet anyway. Want to know the second a new post goes up? Click that RSS thingy over there on the right.

Also, Friday Features may not be on Fridays anymore. I recognize this makes no sense. I sort of like it that way. It’ll be an inside joke between you and me, internet. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Again, expect at least one video a week. Maybe more.

And this isn’t apropos of anything, but this afternoon a guy with experience building larger-than-life structures out of cardboard and a doctor spent half an hour trying to figure out how to unfold a stroller. After collapsing it. They had to use their phones to ask the internet. And it still took ten minutes after that. My offspring is screwed.

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Dear 2010 Ben Ben Levy 30, December

An open letter to my past. From my present. Which is his future.

What’s up 2010 me? Life’s pretty good, yeah? Working at a Madison Avenue agency, got a pretty sweet apartment, published a freaking book. You did well, man.

I don’t want to freak you out or anything, but the future’s not going to be what you think it is. In about 3 months, you’re going to be laid off. It’s ok though, I’m fairly certain it goes down in history as The Best Layoff Ever. Plus the new job is equally awesome. They have a ping pong table in the office, and free beer on Thursdays. And you get to do some really awesome work. No, it’s not a shop you’ve heard of before, but go to the interview anyway, alright? Otherwise we’ll run into some weird time-continuum thing.

Around the same time as The World’s Best Layoff, you’ll find out they’re jacking up the rent 25%. Fuck that place. Save yourself a few days of shopping around and just move three blocks down, to a one-bedroom with an amazing view, right on the water. Floor to ceiling windows overlooking the river. It’s a good move.

This is supposed to be a letter, so I guess you can’t see me. But if you could, you’d immediately know things changed a lot in 2011. I know you’re in great shape, 2010 Ben. It’s a side effect of working on the New Balance campaign. But man, you know nothing. You’re going to tear through P90X, and it’s going to be life-altering. You’re going to be in the best shape ever. Not just up until this point. For all time. Because if we ever see a workout regiment more intense than 2 hours a day, 6 days a week, for 3+ straight months, I don’t want us to do it.

Incidentally, if you can maybe focus on your middle back while you’re doing those exercises, that would be awesome. I didn’t, and it sort of caused a muscular imbalance that resulted in our back muscles literally trying to tear themselves off the spine. Don’t worry though, after 3 months of PT you’ll be pain-free. Anyway, I know I said not to alter the time-stream, but it may be worth trying it in this case.

Speaking of physical changes, I guess that birthmark thing we’ve always had was/is/was pre-cancerous? So you can go ahead and get that removed. Just a heads-up, 2010 me: that barbecue smell during surgery isn’t someone’s lunch being reheated. It’s going to be your face. But you’ll get a badass scar. I have so much more street cred than you do. Seriously, the ladies love it.

You’ll try to start a bunch of side projects, fresh off your book success. Aside from releasing your book in digital format, they, uh, they won’t be finished. I’m sorry about that. Hopefully I’ll be able to recapture some of your dedication in 2012. I don’t think it’s entirely my fault though. As you can see, 2011 was a crazy year.

Oh, yeah. You’re gonna get The Wife pregnant. Good job.

-2011 Ben

PS- Shit, I forgot to make this shirt, too.

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Life Imitating Art Ben Levy 27, December

One of the side-effects of having skills in real life is that you recognize just how much bullshit movies contain. Computer programmers cannot STAND hacking scenes, for example. And when I was doing martial arts, a lot of fight scenes just turned me off entirely, because I could see the holes in the choreography.

Like flips. You never see people doing backflips in street fights, because it’s actually much quicker and safer to just step backward. Same for those disney-esque football movies, where at the last second the receiver does some crazy flip over the opposing team to score a touchdown. I mean, can you comprehend just how difficult that would be? A front-flip alone is really hard to pull off, but now you’re going to do it in a game, on the fly, when it would be so much easier to just spin around and-

…oh. Oh, wow.

Dude. Wow.

Ok, listen up football. You start doing that on the regular, and I won’t just start watching you.

I’ll buy a foam finger.

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4 More Years Ben Levy 15, December

Today is the fourth anniversary of my wedding to The Wife (and marks nearly 11 years together). In honor of that, I thought I’d share a story. Some of you may have heard this story before. I have told it at least a dozen times to people in committed relationship who are scared by the emotions they feel towards their partners.

The Wife and I actually met on a blind date our senior year of high school. We dated long-distance (don’t recommend it) all through college. After graduation- despite never really spending more than two weeks at a time together for the last four years- we moved into a one bedroom apartment.

I think we’d been there a month when the following conversation occurred:

“Honey, I love you. I really do. I love you so much I can’t even describe it. Which is a good thing. Because sometimes, if I didn’t love you so much, I’d have thrown you off our [thirty-second floor] balcony.”

“Oh Baby, that’s wonderful,” she replied, eyes shining with relief, “I feel the exact same way about you.”

And I knew we were gonna be just fine.

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Wanted Ben Levy 12, December

CW seeking AD for committed relationship. Looking for a partner to grow with, and complete one another’s stupid side-projects. All art styles welcome, just as long as you finish projects you start on. Only illustrative and graphical tasks required, I will take care of all other aspects including but not limited to- concepting, words, layouts, publishing, money-making, press-releases, URL-purchasing, shit I’ll even wash your car just please for the love of heaven don’t swear up and down twenty times you’ll do it and then wander off when you see something shiny. I’ve been hurt before. If you answer this ad and fail to uphold your end of the agreement the CW has all every right to stab you to death with a blunt teaspoon.

I wrote this as a joke, but you know what? I’ve got three mobile games, three comic books, two books and at least 6 t-shirt ideas that require visual embellishment beyond my ability. Interested parties apply at the-name-of-this-blog@gmail.com.

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Post Later Ben Levy 4, December

I got stuff to say, but other stuff got in the way. In the meantime, have some of this:

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Pissing Contest Ben Levy 27, November

Some time last week was my 10 year high school reunion. I didn’t go.

I didn’t go for a number of reasons. Most of them are because we have Facebook now. The rest of the reasons are this:

A high school reunion- at best- is a chance to indulge your morbid curiosity. At worst, it’s a pathetic return to the sort of one-upmanship most of us haven’t seen since, well, since high school.

I don’t need to go back to the seat of my teenage trauma in order to play that game. Watch, I can piss farther than you from here:

“Hey, haven’t seen you in- well, in ten years, right? Thanks, I have been working out. I actually weigh less than I did the last time you saw me. Oh, where are my manners- this is my wife. She’s a doctor. You’ll notice she’s beautiful and also carrying my child. We’re so happy together.

Artist? Haha, I did draw all the time didn’t I? No, actually I’m a writer now. Well I have published a book, but professionally I’m an advertising copywriter. Like Don Draper. Oh, big and small clients. Coke, New Balance, Guinness, Sony Ericsson. Why yes, even though you didn’t ask, that does provide a comfortable income.

What’s that? You don’t actually give a shit, and are just talking to me as a thinly veiled excuse to verbalize that your life is better now than it was in high school? Me too! I’m glad we have both had this opportunity to empty our proverbial bladders. Hope I never see you again.”

When you’re in high school, high school is the most important thing in the world. And that is horrible. But you know what’s worse than that? What’s worse than high school being the most important thing in your life when you’re seventeen, and have barely begun to drive, and still have zits, and don’t understand girls or boys or both?

The only thing worse than that, is if it’s still the most important thing in your life ten years later.

Congratulations, class of 2001. You’re all ten years cooler than you were ten years ago. (I hope.)

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