I’ve removed all attempts at housing my portfolio here. From now on, if you want to see the words people pay me for, you can check out my portfolio site.
I bring this up partially to alleviate any future confusion, and partially because I’m a little proud of the new site. Every time I successfully manage something in Wordpress, it’s like the miracle of birth: I scream, experience intense pain, and shit myself for at least 12 hours before bringing something new into the world (wide web).
I bought a 42″ TV recently. It looks nice. It’s the sort of TV that, when people come over, makes them say “That’s a nice TV.”
I like when they do that. It makes me feel good.
I drove an Audi A4 for years. It was my first car. I got it from my father, who was kind enough to have a mid-life crises after I was in a position to inherit it. It was the sort of car that often made people say “That’ s a nice car”.
But when they did I just felt embarrassed.
See, it was a performance car, but I’m not what you would call a performance driver. I can drive, certainly, but I never felt capable of making that car do the truly spectacular things a vehicle of it’s type should be doing.
So when people complimented my car, I felt uncomfortable. I felt like that guy who goes out and buys top of the line ski equipment before heading out to the bunny slopes. There’s just no reason for him to have that stuff. You keep hoping he’ll come to his senses and donate it to his ski instructor or a winter olympian or something.
But my TV? I know what to do with that. I am a fucking performance TV watcher. The Wife and I both are. I can watch a TV like a pro. Lying on the floor, the couch, sitting up, while eating, while tweeting. Hell I’m watching TV right now while I write this. I am a TV-watching savant.
So if you come over, and you are impressed by the girth of my glowing screen, please compliment it.
I will accept it with the confidence of one who knows how to watch the shit out of their television.
I don’t remember if I mentioned it here, but The Wife is now a doctor.
Once they graduate medical school, doctors have to make it through their residency before they start making “doctor money”. So there’s no relief in sight from her medical school debts. Also, within the next six months, she has to take her Step 3 exam. Which costs $700.
I don’t know much about the costs of testing. It’s entirely possible this test is worth $700. If so, perhaps the experience is something like this…. (cue wavy transition sequence)
“Alright students, read the instructions to yourself while I read them aloud:
Please only use a #14 karat gold bar to gild your answer key. Make sure to only gild one gemstone per question, and make sure to gild it completely, without letting any part of the stone show through. Most questions will be multiple choice, and these can be gilded ruby, topaz, diamond, or jade. Occasionally you may have the option to choose all of the above, in which case you could also gild Onyx. Once you have finished your exam, please turn in your test sheet, and do not fold the tanned virgin hide it is printed on, as this may make it difficult to read your answers.”
(cue wavy transition sequence)
Yeah, maybe it’s like that. Or maybe some smarmy bastards need a #2 shoved up their ass.
The Wife and went shopping for curtains recently. I know what you’re thinking: “Ok, that’s it. This blog has gotten so lame he’s talking about curtains now.” You bet your sweet ass I am. Cause these curtains are from the future.
The apartment complex requires us to get curtains with a neutral-colored lining. This means that we wound up shopping in the “heavy curtain” section of Walmart, where I made a fascinating discovery. While comparing prices, thickness, and colors, I came a cross a package that “GUARANTEED to block over 100% of light“.
My mind was ablaze! Over 100%? But that’s all the light there is! Perhaps they only referred to light in the visible spectrum, in which case these magical wall hangings must block UV as well. That was preposterous. Of course they did. Curtains such as these must be weaved from threads torn from a Black Hole- slowly drawing all the light around them into their artfully arranged, poly/cotton maw.
Or perhaps they would continue to block light after they had been taken down? Here was a fact to consider. On the one hand, blocking over 100% of light would ensure I’d be able to sleep in the morning. But what will I do when I throw wide the curtains and see nothing but vast, empty, nothing? Would these curtains, once unleashed from their vacuum-wrapped packaging, slowly draw all the light from the universe? Was I about to condemn the world to a shadowy death just so I could match my bedspread?
In the end, I made the decision the only way I could- by buying the cheaper version. At $20 bucks, they only block over 99.9% of light. But if I can prevent all light from extinguishing in the universe, I think it’s a small price to pay.
Plus, I saved like 10 bucks over those other ones.
Editor’s Note: And if you think that’s badass, you should see my TV. According to the box it’s got “mega dynamic contrast”. Welcome to the future.
It’s been raining here the last few days, so I’ve gotten to play a great New York game I’d forgotten about. It’s called “Up or Down”.
For those of you who haven’t been here, New York is a city with lots of people. Sometimes, large groups of these people are going in the same direction all at once. Most of the time though, they’re going in opposite directions.
When it rains, these people carry umbrellas. But since there’s no room for the people, there’s even less for the large spikey things they’re holding over their heads. And so we play “Up or Down”.
The goal of the game is to carefully coordinate your umbrella’s height with your peers to ensure parasol-eyeball interactions are kept to a minimum. The basic strategy involves anticipating whether those around you will raise their umbrella above yours, or instead try to duck below it.* Hence, “Up or Down”.
You must try to predict your opponent’s move and perform the opposite. This is achieved by a combination of cat-like reflexes and latent telepathy. You lose by getting poked in the eye by an umbrella spoke.
The really fun part is when somebody loses.
*I once saw someone try to perform a perpendicular motion with their parasol, moving it to a sort of medieval shield position. They and several people in their immediate vicinity lost almost instantly. This is why the up or down strategy is suggested for all but the most expert players.