I have come up with a new theory: Laundry is the litmus test of how well you’re handling life.
I’m not saying people with empty laundry hampers and perfectly organized sock drawers are normal. Far from it. If you don’t have any dirty laundry in your house you’re either a g-damned freak or a nudist, and either way I’d appreciate it if you didn’t sit on my couch.
Here then, is my scale of Life Handling, as it relates to Laundry:
If you have a totally empty laundry hamper, seek immediate medical attention. At the very least you have OCD. At the worst, your body is merely a fleshy shell through which the Devourer will seek to enter our world.
Half Full – Full Hamper
Clothes are worn, and clothes are washed. The Cycle is maintained. Your shit, as they say, is together. You handle life well.
Clothes Exceed Hamper by 50%
The average hamper is about 3 feet high. If you’re clothing extends to 5 feet, you might be having a difficult time handling life right now. Keep in mind that this does not mean you’re failing at life. You could be perfectly happy in life. You could be a super successful and well-respected porn star. You’re could be the Old Spice Guy. But if your laundry has built to this point, life is starting to get away from you.
2:1 Laundry/Hamper Ratio
This is generally when people look at your laundry basket and declare that “there’s a problem”. As your clothing is now somewhat higher than the average male, it is hard to argue with them. In the game of life, you are now losing.
At this stage, the tower of garments collapses in on itself, reducing in height but completely obscuring the hamper beneath it. For comparison, this is the average state of a college student’s laundry. Now ask yourself if a college student has a handle on life. Yes, exactly.
The Laundry is the Dresser
At this stage you’ve exhausted anything that even resembles clothing, including those oversized team-building exercise t-shirts and your girlfriend’s v-neck which you were trying to pass off as an indie undershirt but everyone knew better. At this point, all pretext to having a handle on life is gone.
This law is still a work in progress, and I’ll refine it as new evidence comes to light.
It should be noted that right now, The Wife and I have two (2!) hampers at a “2:1 Ratio”. I was feeling pretty bad about this, and complained to a friend of mine. He replied with the following:
“Amateurs. [My girlfriend and I] have two hampers, plus a canvas hamper with three compartments, plus two laundry baskets that double as hampers. All full to the brim. And we usually keep our clean clothes in the dryer.”
Congratulations, buddy. I’m naming the last level (so far) of Levy’s Laundry Law after you.
If and when the amount of Laundry Holding Receptacles in your domicile outnumber the total amount of bodies inhabiting said domicile, and all of them exhibit Stage 6 of Levy’s Laundry Law, and any wearable items left to you can be found in your Dryer, your life has outpaced you to the point that you might as well be declared legally dead.