BrokenJPG

A Copywriter’s Blog
Mile of Stones Ben Levy 30, January

I have things to share this week that are probably only exciting to me. But it’s my blog so that’s what gets posted on it.

Last weekend I sold my 100th copy of I Have A Dick. Now What? In fact, as of this writing, I have officially sold over 100 copies. That’s almost a dangerously respectable statistic.

I wanted to thank everyone who has supported what is clearly a shameful, infantile, and amateurish attempt at literature. You continue to dismay my parents, and that means more than I can say.

Coincidentally, I recently finished reformatting the book for e-readers. The double-page-spread layout of the physical book wasn’t very kindle/ipad/nook friendly, so I changed it to a single-page layout. And giving that away for free seems like a great way to celebrate breaking the double-digit barrier.

I’m currently going through previous orders and emailing e-copies to everyone who bought a physical book. I’ll also make the digital version available for download here and on the book’s website just as soon as I figure out how to record the number of times its been downloaded (purely for bragging rights). I wrote a little email to people when I sent out the digital copies, and I kind of liked it, so I’m posting it here in full:

Dear Dick-havers and Dick-haver Enthusiasts,

Twas nearly a year ago that my book was released on an unsuspecting public. Much has changed in that time. For one thing, I have become a man of distinguished renown, often traveling the country to speak to graduating classes and receive honorary doctorates.* For another, many people now read books on paperless glowing screens.

It is in regards to the latter that I am pleased to announce the release of the Virtual (yet very real) Digitized E-book Edition of I Have A Dick. Now What?

In this latest release, the entire work has been reformatted for ease of perusal in a single page format. Also, if you click on the chapters in the table of contents, you jump right to them. Magic.

Eventually this edition may become available to the public for little or no cost. But before that time it is my great honor to bestow it upon each and every one of you, who supported me when I was a penniless, destitute, wretch.** You have all given me a preposterous sense of accomplishment.

Thank you all.

Sincerely,

Ben “Dover” Levy

PS- Feel free to upload this to every torrent, file-sharing site, and internet-tube you can find. I recognize this is a poor way to sell things, but I’d rather be famous than rich.***

*This may or may not be true.
**I am a now a two-penny, destitute, wretch. Huzzah!
***Though preferably both.

So there it is. I Have A Dick. Now What? has sold over 100 copies, and will soon be available to all as a free download.

Lastly, in a co-coincidence, I am now the proud owner of a Kindle. But that’s next week’s post.

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I was checking my wallet just watching this video.

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HULK PEACEFUL! Ben Levy 23, January

Y’know, it never occurred to me before writing this post, but couldn’t you just beat the Hulk by calming him down? Y’know- a bunny, some scented candles, a coupon for one free massage at the mall?

“Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m- oh hey, a puppy!”

But then you could make him hulk out again in like 30 seconds just making him use the Microsoft Office Suite. Oh hey, guess what made me angrier than I’ve been in years?

I lost a file.

This particular file was 5 pages long. It was a word for word transcription- with time stamps- of about 3 hours of video interviews.

My machine crashed about four times in 90 minutes, causing me to lose a lot of work. Repeatedly.

What should have taken maybe four hours took closer to eight. And I started saving the file after every line I wrote.

This was such a depressing sequence of events that IT agreed to give me a new laptop, on the spot.

I saved the finished doc in three places, emailed it to myself, and backed up my entire hard drive.

I booted up the new machine, spent five minutes setting preferences, then downloaded the file from my email.

It was corrupted.

I frantically checked the version I backed up on my hard drive. Corrupted.

There are a number of ways you can reconstruct files you’ve recently worked on. I know a few of these, and people I work with know many more. All of them rely your IT department NOT formatting the laptop these files were created on moments after you got a new machine.

In a thrilling twist, there was a moment where we thought the files might have been backed up on the company server…until IT discovered that my computer hadn’t been backing itself up.

Why? Because fuck me, that’s why.

In addition to the above please note that I was so sick I had been sent home from the office at the demand of my coworkers, meaning that I couldn’t even start re-transcribing this thing till the next day, meaning it was now impossible to finish the script in time for the deadline.

Taking all that into account, punching the floor repeatedly while yelling about the injustice of the universe is a fairly measured response.

So there I am, screaming epithets and pounding the carpet with my fists, and in runs my dog. I mean runs. I’ve had a few dogs in the past, and the most they’ll do if you start to act this way is slowly sidle out of the room like “Damn, it must suck to be a human. Opposable thumbs ain’t worth the stress.”

Nope. Mia runs in and head-butts me. Then sits in front of me. Then head-butts me. Then sits next to me. Repeatedly.

Even after I asked The Wife to take her away for a minute so I could calm down, she kept running back into the room and head-butting me, then sitting down. Like “Dude, come on. I got what you need! Just try it. Pet me! I swear you’ll feel better like right away!”

And finally, after about half an hour, I did.

Damned if she wasn’t right.

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Friday Feature: Stabbity Doom Ben Levy 21, January

Alternate title: How to get your friends to buy Assassin’s Creed in one video.

What’s really amazing is that this kid did the whole thing without any developer tools or fancy camera controls. That’s mind-boggling. A little sad, but mind-boggling.

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So Awkward Ben Levy 17, January

I’m still sick. Or sick again. It’s getting hard to keep track.

I’ve been nauseous with intermittent dizziness since Friday morning. That’s four days. I’m starting to worry I’m pregnant.

The worst part is that one of the account girls patted me on the shoulder Thursday afternoon.

I have no idea how I’m going to explain this to The Wife.

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I was under the impression that Cee-Lo’s “Fuck You” could not possibly become more eloquent. I was wrong.

Also, the following video was brought to my attention by my partner. I’m concerned that he actually believes this is what happens at Bar Mitzvahs.

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I love that I no longer have a car, even if it means I no longer get to write posts like this one. I love the fact that once I get on the train, someone else drives me to work for an hour each day, and I get to read a book. There’s just one catch. The train is full of people.

Now listen, it’s not that I hate people. Well, it’s not just that I hate them. I mean, I totally do. In fact, I’ve been thinking of putting it in the WTF, just so there’s no confusion. No what it is, is the fact that you slimy, mucus-excreting, bacteria crucibles don’t know how to cover your gdammed mouths when you sneeze.

My wife is a doctor. A pediatric resident. That means she sees kids. Sick kids. All day, every day. And then she comes home and hugs me. Do you know how many times, since medical school, we’ve been able to trace a cold I caught to her work? Maybe twice.

She works in an environment where they catch this “everything and the kitchen sink” variety of illness they term “pede-rot” and make fun of the fact that they’ll all catch MERSA, which is an acronym that loosely translates into “super virus culled from the dark necrotic pit of the devourer of worlds, which will slowly disassemble your body from the inside out”. But I’ve avoided them all.

But you. You festering pot of barely evolved protoplasm. One fucking sneeze. One nose wipe with your stupid fucking fingerless gloves which you then rub all over the subway car pole like a penniless stripper who has to make rent by 9am tomorrow. You manage to do me in every winter.

And they’re not bacteria, explains The doctor Wife, no no. These are viruses. Can’t do anything about viruses. We can cure testicular cancer with a 98% rate of success now, but we can’t clear your left nostril. Now come here and give me a hug.

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Slight Delay Ben Levy 9, January

This is going to be a hell of a week for me, guys. I have a post mostly finished, but I don’t want to ruin it by posting it before it’s done. I’ll try to get it up before Friday.

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I would have originally featured this, but since it’s gone from obscure web video to international news in a record time, I don’t think there’s a person left who hasn’t seen it. So I’m showing this instead, because if even one of you hasn’t seen it yet, you really need to:

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This is why I’m hot Ben Levy 2, January

I subscribe to the Dr. Cox school of fitness motivation. It’s pretty simple:

The only problem is that it occasionally makes me do crazy things. Like introduce my body to the P90x ab ripper routine when I haven’t worked out (or inhaled through my nose) in a week.

This means I am currently in pain. Pain in parts that aren’t even abs. I had to pause the fifteen- fifteen- minute routine at least five times to catch my breath. I heard this weird ringing in my ears, and it took me a while to realize it was Torquemada’s ghost laughing his ass off.

But I will be a sexie beetch.

(Just as soon as I can stand up without wincing.)

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