Some time last week was my 10 year high school reunion. I didn’t go.
I didn’t go for a number of reasons. Most of them are because we have Facebook now. The rest of the reasons are this:
A high school reunion- at best- is a chance to indulge your morbid curiosity. At worst, it’s a pathetic return to the sort of one-upmanship most of us haven’t seen since, well, since high school.
I don’t need to go back to the seat of my teenage trauma in order to play that game. Watch, I can piss farther than you from here:
“Hey, haven’t seen you in- well, in ten years, right? Thanks, I have been working out. I actually weigh less than I did the last time you saw me. Oh, where are my manners- this is my wife. She’s a doctor. You’ll notice she’s beautiful and also carrying my child. We’re so happy together.
Artist? Haha, I did draw all the time didn’t I? No, actually I’m a writer now. Well I have published a book, but professionally I’m an advertising copywriter. Like Don Draper. Oh, big and small clients. Coke, New Balance, Guinness, Sony Ericsson. Why yes, even though you didn’t ask, that does provide a comfortable income.
What’s that? You don’t actually give a shit, and are just talking to me as a thinly veiled excuse to verbalize that your life is better now than it was in high school? Me too! I’m glad we have both had this opportunity to empty our proverbial bladders. Hope I never see you again.”
When you’re in high school, high school is the most important thing in the world. And that is horrible. But you know what’s worse than that? What’s worse than high school being the most important thing in your life when you’re seventeen, and have barely begun to drive, and still have zits, and don’t understand girls or boys or both?
The only thing worse than that, is if it’s still the most important thing in your life ten years later.
Congratulations, class of 2001. You’re all ten years cooler than you were ten years ago. (I hope.)