Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that as of today, I Have A Dick. Now What? has officially sold hundreds of copies. 201 copies, specifically. Which is, technically, hundreds.
I was really excited when the count got to 198, causing me to tell some people about it, causing some people to ask why I didn’t just lie and say that I had sold hundreds of copies without all the trouble of waiting for it to actually happen. They missed the point. It wasn’t about making a cliched claim. It was about reaching the milestone that cliched claim represented.
But I feel like, to honor the sale of my 200th book, and my 405th blog post, I should do something special. Something I’ve never done before. Something like share a piece of the concept art for my second book:
It’s aimed at a slightly younger audience. Because if there’s one thing funnier than telling people you wrote a book about dicks, it’s telling people you wrote a book about dicks and a children’s book.
I have a wealth of concerns about my impending parenthood. One of them is the way current parents use the word “fountain” to describe their offspring’s eliminatory actions. Another is the fear I’ll lose all my friends as I slowly lose the ability to talk about anything other than my daughter.
I don’t really think this will happen. Partly because I have more in common with my friends than our mutual not having of babies, and partly because even now i’m able to carry on a conversation without mentioning babies every other sentence.
But it seems to be happening less and less. Because all my friends want to do is talk about babies. “What’s new?” “Whatever man, tell me about your baby!”
Yeah? You wanna hear me break down just how stupid non-intuitive stroller construction can be? Or how the entire world seems to think anything intended for a baby girl has to look like it’s been puked on by a rainbow? You think that’s scintillating? Then brace yourself, friend, and make sure your seat back and tray table are locked in the upright position.
Cause we can talk about the baby. I’ve got plenty to say on the subject. But there will come a day, perhaps years from now, when I’ll hang up the phone or walk away from the table after the bill’s been paid, and you’ll turn to the person next to you and mutter “all he ever talks about is his kid.”
And when that day comes, remember- I tried. I gave you the option. You brought this on yourself.
Listen up boys, girls, and biologically confused organisms: I’ve been spewing self-indulgent crap all over this URL for nearly 3 years now. I think it’s time for some changes. I’m gonna update the wrote-it-and-forgot-about-it WTF at some point, but let’s go over the ground rules here.
The “post on Monday” thing, isn’t really working for me. I feel like I’m just phoning it in Sunday evening most of the time, and that sucks. So instead, I’m going to try to update at least once a week. I’ll write when the mood hits me, which I’m hoping will result in better content, even if it’s less content. If you can’t handle uncertainty in your life- you probably shouldn’t be on the internet anyway. Want to know the second a new post goes up? Click that RSS thingy over there on the right.
Also, Friday Features may not be on Fridays anymore. I recognize this makes no sense. I sort of like it that way. It’ll be an inside joke between you and me, internet. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Again, expect at least one video a week. Maybe more.
And this isn’t apropos of anything, but this afternoon a guy with experience building larger-than-life structures out of cardboard and a doctor spent half an hour trying to figure out how to unfold a stroller. After collapsing it. They had to use their phones to ask the internet. And it still took ten minutes after that. My offspring is screwed.