A Copywriter’s Blog
I said “Married”, not “Dead”.

To the Ladies I Hung Out With at the Club This Weekend,

I’d like to start by saying how much the evening was benefited by your presence. Without you, the gathering would have been designated a “Festival du Sausage”, and I greatly appreciate your help in preventing this. Please understand that the following is meant to be taken as constructive criticism. I hope we can remain friends.

To begin with, I hold you in the highest regard for your efforts to respect the sanctity of my marriage. Women of looser morals might have thought it acceptable to “back up on” me, and I appreciate your decision to give me space. In the future, please know that it is perfectly acceptable to dance while facing me, or to acknowledge my presence. Also, if you wish, you may dance nearer than 10 feet away. I have a wife, not leprosy.

Secondly, I wonder if you haven’t confused the title of “husband” with “priest”? After showing another gentleman “what you’re working with”, you turned and apologized to me. Madam, I took several years of figure study courses at University. Furthermore, I have cable TV. I assure you I was previously aware of the way women can shift the “junk in the trunk” before your display. As we were already maintaining the aforementioned distance of 10 feet between us, I hardly think it was necessary for you to turn and offer your apologies for the behavior. My morals were not offended, and I quite assure you I have no “innocence” left to lose.

Lastly- a minor thing. I hesitate even to mention it. Do you think you could tell your friends “he’s married” without making it sound like a pejorative? I made no judgement upon the fact that you have clearly been “poked” by three-quarters of your facebook friends. Kindly respect my decision to choose a life of monogamy as opposed to drunken walks of shame and frequent tests at the STD clinic.


The Married Guy

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2 Responses to “I said “Married”, not “Dead”.”

  1.   Jeremy Says:

    P.S. Don’t worry ladies, there will be plenty of time to ostracize him the second he has a kid.

    P.P.S. Just kidding about the first P.S -he’ll never be out at the club after he has kids. That’s ridiculous.

  2.   Ben Levy Says:

    True. This will never be a problem after I have a kid. Can you imagine how much attention the ladies will give me if if I show up with a baby?

    Chick. Magnet.