I ran across this on IMDB. It details the intended rape of my childhood. If they actually built a time machine, went back to 1987, found my old GI Joes, and forced them up my tiny, white, 4-yr old asshole, it would still not be as complete a rape as this…this… giant cinematic dildo they intend to wreak upon the earth.
This shit is so wrong, I can’t possibly write about it without wanting to kill. And so I will liberally sprinkle this posting with the sacred, hallowed imagery of my childhood. Know, dear reader, that each time you see a pic, it means that which follows is a detail of unspeakable foulness. We begin…
Stephen Sommers will direct (here’s hoping he reigns in the CG), from a script by Stuart Beattie. The story is set at Brussels-based GIJOE, an acronym for the Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity, and revolves around an international co-ed force of operatives who use high-tech equipment to battle Cobra, an evil org headed by a Scottish arms dealer.
Just reading this fills me with such hate, its nigh indescribable. I won’t even try. I’m just going to count the ways this is wrong:
- GI Joe is a real AMERICAN hero you bastards. They’re more American than hamburgers, and yes I damn well do appreciate the irony in that statement. So take your “globally integrated joint triple redundant acronym” and stuff it.
- Look Mr Beattie (or as I shall henceforth call him, satan) you didn’t get the movie’s name right, so I don’t expect you to follow canon. But that “scottish arms dealer” is Destro. He never lead Cobra (except for those three times when he did). Cobra Commander leads Cobra. You might have been able to figure this out by the fact that his title is Commander. But I’m probably expecting too much.
- Last time I checked, there’s no Brussels in the US. Now I’m a true American, unlike Mr Somer and Mr Satan, which means my tenuous grasp of geography is so terrible I still believe the world is flat, and that countries are color-coded when you fly over them. But even I know Brussels isn’t in America. See point 1 of this list.
Ahhh….that’s better. I’ll level with you, I actually found out about this a week ago. But it’s taken me this long to be able to write about it without simultaneously spitting Hate and Rage (Hage) all over my monitor.
Let’s look at the cast list shall we? Hmmm….Dennis Quaid is General Hawk? Insert generic rant of hate here. First off, Hawk did next to nothing in the series. He was there mostly to scream at Flint, who was the actual leader. The one leading people into hails of bullets. He also scored with Lady Jay. Did you ever see Hawk score with Lady Jay? No. Therefore, Hawk doesn’t need to be in this movie, and neither does Quaid.
“But Ben,” you’re saying, “Snake-Eyes is the best character of all time! He could save this movie! The mighty power of the uber-ninja is just strong enough that he could save the entire world (from this film)!”
Yes gentle reader, that is true. But look at who’s playing him. No don’t look, that was rhetorical. The guy is crap. If it was Tony Ja, then there would be the vaguest possibility that it would be ok. That those going to the theaters would not rip out their seat cushions and attempt to swallow them whole as a means of making the pain stop. In fact, I know they picked the wrong person to play Snake-Eyes because unless they picked the re-animated corpse of Bruce Lee himself, there is no person on earth bad-ass enough to play Snake-eyes. And any of you who said Chuck Norris? You’re dead to me.
In conclusion, Hollywood is clearly trying to kill me of a massive coronary. Why else would they do this? We have a GI Joe movie, you heartless bastards, and it isn’t half bad. Not enough Snake Eyes for my taste, but still. What you’re doing is terrible, unnecessary, and has to break at least four tenants of the Geneva convention.
In a way, I feel horrible for staining the Broken JPG with this filth. It’s like trying to warn you of the apocalypse- no matter how early you’re told, you can’t avoid it. Seriously, I just looked it up, the four horsemen are plague, death, pokemon, and a live-action GI Joe movie set to air in 2009.