BrokenJPG

A Copywriter’s Blog
More Proof That Today’s Childhood Sucks

I’ve discussed this before. This time it’s the sad state of water guns that has me wishing for the toys of yore.

For a week or two I was planning on taking part in a massive NYC water gun fight. It was supposed to be a huge affair, and I looked forward to the chance to wax nostalgic and wet. One problem. I couldn’t find a suitable firearm.

Just researching the options made me depressed. What the hell happened to Super Soakers? In my day that was some shit you could depend on. The 30 (orange little one). The 50 (standard yellow one). I think my family’s personal liquid-based armory went as high as 100 (rifle-sized blue one), but there were kids on the block rocking that backpack set-up. You bring any of those to a fight, and people know you mean business.

super-soaker-50

Now? Now these things look like B-movie sci-fi prop whose sole offensive ability is making an opponent laugh hard enough to pee themselves. What the hell is this?

hasbro_supersoakerflashflood

I can barely tell which way to point that piece of crap. Seriously, Larami? This is what you’ve let the Super Soaker line devolve into? I’d rather drink a gallon of grape juice and pee on my opponent than bring that to a water gun fight. It would be more respectful to both of us.

This hurts twice as much because Larami made my 90’s era liquid-launching pride and joy. I can’t find an image of it, but it’s easy to describe: My gun was a Desert Eagle. It took 3 AA batteries, and the water container actually loaded into the handle where a real gun’s magazine would go. Aside from the fact that it was made of bright blue plastic with hot orange highlights (ok, so maybe the colors have always been horrible) it was as perfect a replica as any kid would want. And the power.

This gun liquified paint at 9 feet. Sure, the magazine was small, requiring way more fill-ups then your standard neighborhood Super Soaker. Didn’t matter. It raised welts through a Hanes t-shirt. Like Tony Stark and his father before him, I prefer the weapon you only have to fire once. And baby, this was it.

While those other pussies were pumping their Supers, I held the trigger and laughed like a maniac as they scrambled for cover. And that was what I intended to do this past weekend. Do you know how many battery operated waterguns I could find online? One. One gun. And nobody seems to stock it anymore. Seems it’s too dangerous.

Really? Dangerous? Aside from drowning and using a toaster in the bathtub, water is pretty damn impossible to hurt yourself with. If your kid is so incompetent as to get permanently damaged in a water gun fight, I think it’s time to place the blame on something other than the weapon. Just count the score as Darwin: 1, Your Gene Pool: 0, and hurry the kid along to the inevitable conclusion. Better luck next time.

And as far as Larami and the rest of the water gun community goes, you guys need to step it up. If this is the best we’ve got out there, it’s no wonder child obesity is up. Who the hell wants to go outside and play with that shit?

That’s right. I said it: Larami’s Weak Sauce Soakers cause child obesity. You read it here first.

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