A Copywriter’s Blog
You Don’t Know Me (I Hope)

I hope we haven’t met. I really do. Because if we have met, I don’t remember you. And of course I should.

I have a terrible memory for names. I don’t even hear introductions anymore. I hear: “Hi I’m -” then everything blacks out for a second, followed by “-it’s a pleasure to meet you”. And I’m nodding, and smiling, and shaking hands, and cracking jokes, and praying harder than a pedophile rapist on the day of judgement that no one comes along and asks me who my new friend is.

In fact, I’d say the only thing I have a harder time remembering than names are faces. Which shouldn’t be possible. I’m so bad at remembering faces that instead I identify people by hairstyles and outfits. This is a problem because I’m not meeting cartoons, and real peoples’ hairstyles and outfits often change. I regularly introduce myself to women I’m sure I’ve never met, only to discover we spoke at length the day before. It’s just that between then and now they’ve put their hair up in a bun.

This is an issue because The Wife and I moved a few months ago. And that means we’ve been meeting a lot of new people. All of whom insist on changing their clothes and hair. And I don’t recognize any of them. This has the unfortunate side effect of making me never want to introduce myself to anyone, due to the paralyzing fear that I’ve already met them and will look like an idiot. Instead, I constantly stare at everyone attempting to imagine them in different clothes while simultaneously avoiding all of their eyes so they don’t have a reason to greet me. In other words, I look like an ass who’s actively ignoring people the day after I’ve met them.

And that is why I hope we haven’t met. If we have, please forgive me. It’s not that you’re uninteresting, or unattractive, or unimportant. It’s just that you’ve changed your shirt.

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2 Responses to “You Don’t Know Me (I Hope)”

  1.   Jeremy Says:

    This is why we can be friends. Also, this is why I’m especially good at initial meetings, and not so much for subsequent ones. What? You and I had a heart wrenching conversation where you revealed your soul to me? What? You and I riffed for an hour and a half with Smurf puns? What? We’ve met each other on six separate occasions? Of course I remember you.

  2.   Mandy Says:

    That sounds just like me.