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Luxury Bowling is Retarded Ben Levy 2, November

I have come to accept that there is no such thing as a good bowling alley any reasonable distance from Miami. Oh, there are several “luxury” bowling alleys. A new one is opening up quite close to my house. Let me tell you why these are shit.

I go bowling to enjoy a cheap night out on the town, engaging in an “athletic” contest that no one is ever really good at. The sole exception being people who were once part of a bowling league, a fact so embarrassingly dorky that everyone makes fun of that person anyway, despite the fact they just bowled double your best score.

What the hell does a bowling alley need to charge for, anyway? There’s virtually no recurring cost. Hell, they make me pay to borrow a pair of shoes that I expect to smell like they were pried off a dead hooker. Half the lights in the place aren’t lit. You re-use the balls and pins “ad infinum”. Please explain to me what part of this experience lends itself to charging 50/hour, and calling it “luxury”?

Don’t tell me it’s lane upkeep. Any true bowler knows that the average bowling alley lane is shit, and should remain so. Lane 14 has a depression that leads your ball to the left? Then bowl accordingly. That’s called home-team advantage people. If you don’t like it, we’ll go to your alley next week.

Bowling is a blue collar pastime. Like miniature golf, or the zoo. It is an activity not intended to be observed by the upper crust of society. They’ve got their bottles, VIP rooms, and attractive hookers. Leave me my dank, smelly bowling alley and “in this light I can be almost certain your not a man” prostitutes. It’s the least you can do.