A Copywriter’s Blog

The Wife and went shopping for curtains recently. I know what you’re thinking: “Ok, that’s it. This blog has gotten so lame he’s talking about curtains now.” You bet your sweet ass I am. Cause these curtains are from the future.

The apartment complex requires us to get curtains with a neutral-colored lining. This means that we wound up shopping in the “heavy curtain” section of Walmart, where I made a fascinating discovery. While comparing prices, thickness, and colors, I came a cross a package that “GUARANTEED to block over 100% of light“.

My mind was ablaze! Over 100%? But that’s all the light there is! Perhaps they only referred to light in the visible spectrum, in which case these magical wall hangings must block UV as well. That was preposterous. Of course they did. Curtains such as these must be weaved from threads torn from a Black Hole- slowly drawing all the light around them into their artfully arranged, poly/cotton maw.

Or perhaps they would continue to block light after they had been taken down? Here was a fact to consider. On the one hand, blocking over 100% of light would ensure I’d be able to sleep in the morning. But what will I do when I throw wide the curtains and see nothing but vast, empty, nothing? Would these curtains, once unleashed from their vacuum-wrapped packaging, slowly draw all the light from the universe? Was I about to condemn the world to a shadowy death just so I could match my bedspread?

In the end, I made the decision the only way I could- by buying the cheaper version. At $20 bucks, they only block over 99.9% of light. But if I can prevent all light from extinguishing in the universe, I think it’s a small price to pay.

Plus, I saved like 10 bucks over those other ones.

Editor’s Note: And if you think that’s badass, you should see my TV. According to the box it’s got “mega dynamic contrast”. Welcome to the future.

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