BrokenJPG

A Copywriter’s Blog
I’m a little bitch Ben Levy 12, July

I’m in advertising. I’ve been in it, as a student or professional, for nearly 7 years now.

Damn hang on, I had no idea it had been that long. Gimmie a second.

Ok, better now. My point is that this is not a 9-5 profession I’ve chosen, and many have been the times I haven’t seen The Wife for a few days. Or we only saw the other one asleep. Or as we pull in/out of the driveway at 7am.

During those periods, I’m working my ass off. So it’s always been sort of annoying when The Wife calls at midnight, then 1:30, then 2 in the morning asking when I think I’ll be home. And when she finds it frustrating that I begin responding to emails and txts the minute I walk through the door when she hasn’t seen me for days. And when she berates me for spending 30 seconds longer than necessary at my job because I actually enjoy it and sometimes talk to my coworkers. All of these were behaviors I basically shrugged off as the sort of things The Wives of the world have to do to be good The Wives.

I mean, that’s what they do right? A man would just drink beer and stop using the coaster if his woman was out of the house on that kind of schedule. Maybe have his buddies over to watch the game or shoot small woodland creatures.

Then The Wife became a doctor and I sat at home doing everything in my power to not call her and see how she was doing at midnight (I did text her twice), pretending it didn’t make me pissed when she finally got home and started txting her coworkers (I was pissed), and carefully not saying anything when she hinted that she might get done work earlier if she didn’t talk to her new friends so much (I lasted three days before pointing out I’ve been getting crap for that for two years).

So yeah. Turns out I’m a great Wife.

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My wife contacted me at work a few weeks ago to tell me her swing dancing medical school classmate was going to be in a Sean Kingston music video.

Unbelievable.

Being a doctor is a profession which requires massive amounts of time and focus. So much so that simply answering the ice breaker “what do you do for a living” provokes awe and respect at the dinner table.

The same could be said of, say, a world-class swing dancer. The sort who would make it into music videos. It is absolutely unnecessary that any one person should qualify as both. I cannot believe that any one person would be so greedy as to achieve both.

Attention Doctors: you’re doctors.

And that should be more than enough for you. I understand that by definition you are all well-educated and extremely driven individuals. I get that. That’s fine. Of course you can excel at a hobby or two. The Wife, for example, is quite a good baker. My father, the anesthesiologist, routinely codes full programs. I know other doctors that are fine sailors, have a flair for interior decoration, or paint beautiful art.

But none of them had the gall to achieve professional-level success in a second field.

Do you know how many people suck at doing a single thing in their lives? How greedy do you have to be to first achieve the greatest wish of everyone’s mother and then go further still? Did you give even a moment’s thought to how damning that is for the rest of us?

I mean it was bad enough when the rest of us had to introduce ourselves as copywriters, accountants, or pet psychics before. How we’re supposed to compete with a bunch of super doctors who are also famous actors is beyond me. I don’t care what the nature of the competition is- if their PhD shows up on IMDB, we lose.

So all you greedy, overly-talented doctors can cut it the hell out. You’re making me depressed. And I’ll be damned if I have to go to you and ask for a prescription for it.

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I don’t remember if I mentioned it here, but The Wife is now a doctor.

Once they graduate medical school, doctors have to make it through their residency before they start making “doctor money”. So there’s no relief in sight from her medical school debts. Also, within the next six months, she has to take her Step 3 exam. Which costs $700.

I don’t know much about the costs of testing. It’s entirely possible this test is worth $700. If so, perhaps the experience is something like this…. (cue wavy transition sequence)

“Alright students, read the instructions to yourself while I read them aloud:

Please only use a #14 karat gold bar to gild your answer key. Make sure to only gild one gemstone per question, and make sure to gild it completely, without letting any part of the stone show through. Most questions will be multiple choice, and these can be gilded ruby, topaz, diamond, or jade. Occasionally you may have the option to choose all of the above, in which case you could also gild Onyx. Once you have finished your exam, please turn in your test sheet, and do not fold the tanned virgin hide it is printed on, as this may make it difficult to read your answers.”

(cue wavy transition sequence)

Yeah, maybe it’s like that. Or maybe some smarmy bastards need a #2 shoved up their ass.

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