Hi Facebook, thanks for coming. Have a seat. Want anything to drink? No? Ok, I’ll get right to it.
What happened to you, man? You used to be cool. I remember when we were in college, before you got all famous and forgot who you were. Even after you made it big, you still helped me remember the names of the people we met the day before. Hell, you gave everyone a reason to take pictures for the first time since the slide projector, I think we all love you for that.
And you’re not like MySpace. You keep it classy. And I still respect you for that, Facebook, I really do. But ever since Twitter, it’s gone downhill.
Huh? No this isn’t just about the Moms. No one blames you for that. Of course you couldn’t keep the moms off you, not since that Oprah feature. But that’s fine. The moms I can ignore. It was a problem we all joked about good-naturedly, y’know? Like the one drunk Uncle who always passes out at Thanksgiving. Sure it’s embarrassing, but you just shrug and move on.
If it’s one thing, it’s your feed. I mean, when you made it real-time, it was just so obvious. All of a sudden everyone was on Twiter, and you freaked out and tried to be just like it. Twitter had no galleries. No friend suggestions. 140 freakin’ characters. What were you so scared of? Oh you were scared you giant social media pussy, don’t deny it. If you weren’t you would have just stayed the same way you’ve always been instead of trying to fit in with the new crowd.
You’ve been making some bad decisions, Facebook, and I can’t just sit by and watch you do it anymore. At this point, I’m willing to risk our relationship by being honest with you like this. What? Society? Society? Don’t talk to me about society, Facebook, you’re a freaking social media site. We made you, you don’t get to cry about us. Nobody is making you do this shit man. Hell, you pushed that shitty “box” layout on all of us.
Look, you want to know why people love Twitter, Facebook? It’s because- let me finish- it’s because Twitter listens. They hear people like something, like hashtags, and they implement it into their API. They don’t just spring some shitty “boxes” layout update on people, and make half their existing apps obsolete. I don’t want to hear it man, nobody liked that shit. And what the hell is THIS:
Now you’re trying to tell me who I should poke? That’s just twisted man. I work with that guy. Why the hell would you even say that to me? I don’t care how you meant it… oh now you just sound like my mother: “You haven’t talked to Johnny in a while. I always liked Johnny. You two should hang out.” Yes it is the same thing, you arrogant-
Don’t tell me to go jump on MySpace if I don’t like it, I’m trying to help you here. Everyone’s saying it and you’re-
Oh nice. So it’s like that, huh? Yeah? Well why don’t YOU talk to my mother, what do you think of that? Why don’t you tell her who she hasn’t connected with in a while? And while you’re at it, why don’t you take a picture of THIS and post that to your “Live Feed”. Better post it to the “News Feed” too, cause no one knows what the fucking difference is between the two of them.