BrokenJPG

A Copywriter’s Blog
Fuck Faxing Ben Levy 29, April

It’s not uncommon for someone to request that I fax them a document. Every time this happens, I have the same question: Why?

Faxing is an idiotic, backwards technology that should be deader than the beeper.

Consider the process: Upon offering the Xeroxian Idol your documents (Face down. Or is it face up? All idols are different) you then type in a numeric sequence. If the machine is being stored in your office, you will have to press 1 first. Or not. It’s never immediately clear, and often changes for no reason. The device then eats your documents and begins to emit the mating call of the dial-up modem, a beast long thought extinct in the modern world. G-d help you if the number is wrong. You won’t know that for at least 2 minutes, and the first sign will be a disembodied voice playing over the dial-tone. It’s like a club mix by DJ FAIL.

If you mistype the number, you won’t know until it’s too late. You’ve just faxed a copy of your SS# to Timbuktu, congratulations. Even if your fax was successful- the idol and it’s dial-up pantheon have approved your offering and sent it to the rightful recipient- the damn thing only does black and white. The Faustian fax machine, which ranges in size from a small printer to a small donkey, can only manage one color. I have a phone that fits in my pocket and displays at least 256.

And don’t get me started on resolution. The very concept of resolution is anathema to fax machines. Faxed information and Rorschach tests are equally discernible.

I ask you- nay, defy you- to explain to me why we still use these things. It’s 2009. I guarantee we have the scientific capability to craft some kind of holographic document teleporter that arrives 2 minutes before it’s sent and has so many colors you brain explodes.

But until one of you geniuses builds that, I’ll keep waking up in a cold sweat to the haunting strains of “doo Dee BREEP…your call could not be completed as dialed…