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Smurf You, Hollywood. Ben Levy 18, April

Perhaps you have heard about, or been afflicted by, the trailer for the new Smurfs movie coming out. If not, I’m sorry to do this to you:

Screen shot 2011-04-18 at 11.17.05 AM

Their expressions accurately reflect my own.

At this point, I would normally launch into a hate-fueled rant against Hollywood’s latest thinly-veiled attempt to cash in on nostalgia. But I felt this deserved something special. So before you go any further, please begin playing this video. Then sing along with me:

“SMURF You”
(sung to the tune of “Fuck You” by Cee Lo Green)

(Chorus)
I see your movie remake,
of a show I knew and I’m like
“Smurf You”.
Oo, oo, oo
You saw the bills in my wallet,
Want them for yours, I’m like,
Smurf You!
Smurf you blue!
You wanna be richer, so you made a big picture
Ha, now ain’t that some smurf? (ain’t that some smurf)
And although there’s pain in my chest
You’ll still profit I bet, so….
Smurf You!
Oo, oo, oo

You won’t get no glory, from ripping off a story,
That we all watched when we were eight.
It takes more than 3D, for you to sell me
So all you’ll get from me is hate.

I wish there were rules, against reboots done by fools
(3D won’t fix issues)
Well
(don’t even try that excuse)
Ooooooh
You can write this one down too-
ACT1, SCENE 1: Go smurf yourself.

(Chorus)

I know it’s hard to, write a new script
But that don’t mean you should rape these shows.
Hoping to fake it, you’ll never make it
Cause even your preview trailer blows.

I’d rather be reamed, than see this farce on screen.
(3D won’t fix issues)
Well
(don’t even try that excuse)
Ooooooh
You can write this one down too-
I really hate yo ass right now.

Pause the song. Imagine the sound of a record scratch. Music stops, singer breaks the fourth wall and addresses the camera:

No really, I hate you. What the hell is your problem? Look, I’m fine with introducing the next generation to the Smurfs, but these things don’t even look like them. It’s like you applied a blue filter to a movie about garden gnomes. Even the fucking chipmunk movie looked kind of like the chipmunks. Do you understand what I’m saying? YOUR MOVIE IS ALREADY WORSE THAN THE CHIPMUNKS! AND IT’S NOT EVEN OUT YET!

Music starts up again and singer breaks into the chorus as though nothing happened. You may begin the song again.

(Chorus)

Now Holly- holly- Hollywood, now what the hell can we do with you?
(with you, with you, with you)

If you were just one person I would force you
to commit seppuku.
(seppuku, seppuku, seppuku)
Like “Stab! Slice. Uh! Slice. Uh.”
It’s over! Oh!
I hate you. Oh!
I so hate you! Oh!

(Last Chorus)
I see your movie remake,
of a show I knew and I’m like
“Smurf You”.
Oo, oo, oo
You saw the bills in my wallet,
Want them for yours, I’m like,
Smurf You!
Smurf you blue!
You wanna be richer, so you made a big picture
Ha, now ain’t that some smurf? (ain’t that some smurf)
And although there’s pain in my chest
You’ll still profit I bet, so….
Smurf You!
Oo, oo, oo

“SMURF You” written by Ben Levy, with apologies to, well, everyone.

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