A Copywriter’s Blog

Oh my God. Oh my god they’re reading. They’re still reading! They’re to the third ‘reading’ in the paragraph! Guys, guys come on. This is it. Someone’s actually reading us. Holy shit. Holy -hey! Hey, “tenth sentance”! God help you if you don’t fit properly at the end of that line. I swear on my kerning if there’s a big blank space at the end of that line because you don’t fit I’ll write you out of this piece myself. Of course it matters! Everything matters! Oh my god they’re halfway through. This is incredible. Is this getting too long? Quick, everyone be concise! Squish yourself if you have to. Don’t look like you’re doing it! God. The point. Where’s the point? Oh my god did we lose the point? Ok, no it’s here. Holy fuck do NOT scare me like that again. We are almost at the end we cannot afford to get lost now. Bring it together people!

Oh my god they read to the end. Oh…oh god. Oh, that was better than sex. Someone get me a cigarette. Seriously.

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I have been dog-sitting my dog-in-law for the last week and a half. Since the wife and I can’t afford a dog of our own right now, we’re quite happy to watch “Libby”. She’s a beagle, an excellent canine archetype. And since she’s 11, she’s far too old to be poorly behaved. There’s only one problem.

This dog eats poop.

This 11 yr old, arthritic, shit-hunting hound will drag me 2 blocks in search of scat. It’s like a delicacy to her. No doubt in that peach-pit sized dog brain there’s an entire registry of colors and consistencies of various defecation. “Hmmm…almondy, with a texture not unlike a whipped mouse… aged perhaps two days, and… yes I detect a hint of IAMs.”

At least, that’s what I assume she’s telling me every time she woof’s when I drag her away from some “after dinner” delight.

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Coming Clean Ben Levy 6, April

When I was younger (like 10), I took forever in the shower. We’re talking 60+ minutes, easy. Al Gore once came to my house to discuss an entire rainforest I’d killed due to my excessive water use.

As I got older, my shower time grew shorter. But I’m still conscious of the time I spend showering, particularly when I’m running late.

That brings us to one particular morning last month. I was running behind schedule. Trying to gauge how much time I had, I checked my clock- 8:23. I set myself the goal of being done by 8:30. One hasty lather-rinse-repeat cycle later, I jumped out of the shower and checked the same clock again- 8:21.

There is only one sane conclusion: I showered so fast I went backward in time.

I’ll leave you all to consider that. I’m about to go end Nazi Germany before it ever happened. If all goes well, my dripping wet physique and this little rubber ducky will be the last thing baby Hitler ever sees.

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She called it a mistake Ben Levy 9, March

I call it funny as hell. This is an actual txt sent by my wife. In it’s entirety.

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Elephant and World leave citing “irreconcilable differences”

TV LAND- It’s not surprising that Animal Planet, a network that’s been around for over a decade, decided it was time to update it’s logo. What is surprising are the circumstances surrounding that change.
Previously, spokescreatures for the station said they wanted to try a new logo that would show how “fresh and exciting” the new line-up would be. However, anonymous insiders have now told us the true reason for the change: Animal Planet is an alcoholic.
“In the beginning, it was a new logo. Hell, it was a brand new network.” said Kristen Lynman, the Elephant’s spokeswoman, “Animal Planet used to be all about the work. But lately it seems like it’s been nothing but parties.”
According to anonymous sources, “Animal Planet” has been drinking for years. It finally reached the point where Elephant and Earth weren’t willing to deal with it anymore. Rather than risk a scandal, the network decided to just unveil a new “streamlined” logo.
“I think most people will see through it pretty quick,” said one network executive, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “I mean, look at him there. Look at the ‘M’. If you ask me, Elephant and Earth were the backbone of this station.”
While there has been no official response from the network at this time, it seems pretty obvious that the logo has seen better days.
“Look at the ‘M’,” repeated our source, “This….this is like the Britney Spears of typography.”