BrokenJPG

A Copywriter’s Blog

I warned you. I warned you all.

First hockey, now Kung Fu. At this rate they’ll be hacking the pentagon using a supercomputer made of bamboo rocks by this time next year.

We’re doomed.

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One of the reasons I love twitter is that I find links like this with some regularity. And I think we can all agree that the only true defense agasint murderous russian skating bears is early detection.

And I would just like to say-right here, right now- that I had no idea this was going on. Certainly people joke about circus bears. Certainly they joke about circus bears in Russia. The average American (myself included) is so dense as to believe that Russian Dancing Bears are so prevalent among the Soviets that they can be found three to a street corner. Like furry, pirouetting Starbucks without the lattes.

So it’s not the ice-skating per se that worries me. I can easily see the transition from dancing to ice-skating. I assume this was a particularly talented circus bear, a credit to ursa barnum & bailey’s the world over, who was merely dedicated to furthering his traditional craft. Taking it the next level. Raising the bar. Perhaps even raising it above his head while ice-skating and whistling the theme song from Sesame Street.

No, what really worries me are these two lines at the end:

“Bears on ice are common in Russian circuses. Some are equipped with helmets and sticks and trained to play hockey.”

I’m sorry, what? Could you repeat that part? Because I could have sworn you just told me that you’re teaching these bears to wear armor and wield clubs.

Russia, do you not have movies? Is there no Hulu on your internets? I only ask because I’ve seen a film or two, and I CAN TELL YOU HOW THIS STORY ENDS. Here’s a hint: it’s not happily ever after.

Seriously, did you guys see nothing wrong with this? Nothing at all? You take one of nature’s most savage mammals, select the brightest and most coordinated and train them, all the while enhancing natural instincts with man-made protection and armament. Eventually, through circus cross-breeding programs, the bears will achieve near-human intellect. They will study our ways. They will gain our trust. They will memorize all our hockey plays. And then, when we least expect it, the Russian Circus Bears will strike. By the time we find the bludgeoned and half-eaten bodies of the bearded ladies and the amazing flying Svens, it will be too late. Driving an army of elephants and seals before them, the RCBs will crush all of Europe beneath their furry, skate-wearing, paws. And then, as they erect a Big Top so enormous it covers the London Eye, they will turn their gaze westward, towards America…

This is it, Russia. This is your wake-up call. Right now, it’s a single “rogue” bear. But mark my words- if you don’t act now, we’re all doomed. Even if you don’t live to see it, your children, or your children’s children, will find themselves hiding in bunkers. Their sweaty hands will be holding hunting rifles, and they will be desperately praying for winter and the hibernation it brings.

Remember: only YOU can prevent the Russian Circus Bear Apocalypse.