A Copywriter’s Blog

I’ll be honest Microsoft Word, I’ve never liked you that much. But I’m a writer and you’re a word processor, so I thought at least we could maintain a professional relationship. But lately, you’ve been making that damn difficult. Because you’re fucking fat.

The sheer amount of bloat contained in your code makes me want to “call Jenny”. Your job is not that difficult. I press a key, you record the letter. There’s barely any processing power expended. So explain to me, if you don’t mind, why you move slower than a fat woman in front a bakery window display? What is your bloated digital carcass so preoccupied with?

Let’s talk load-times to start. If I reboot my entire computer, it takes perhaps two minutes. But you take so long to chow down on auto-updates that between the point at which I click your smug, stupid “W” and the point at which you actually open, I have time to perform brain surgery. And that includes the roughly 12 years of education required beforehand. You’re a glorified text-editor you wheezing, bloated, processor-whore of a program. What exactly are you trying to suck down your input hole that entire time? And don’t you dare say “fonts” because I checked, and I barely have the standard compliment on my machine as it is.

Your software is so morbidly obese that- even if you’re already running- it actually takes me less time to open the text editor than it does for me to ask you for a new document. How is that possible? I am asking you to furnish me with the computer equivalent of a blank sheet of paper! There is no information to recall! No themes to load! How in the name of Steve Jobs can you justify a forty-five second new document load time? And don’t think I haven’t noticed you shoveling pre-loaded templates or auto-update functions down your craw when you think I’m not looking.

Now, let’s discuss the crashing. Yes, crashing. Are you aware I wrote a book, Word? No, of course not. You’re not aware because I didn’t use you to do it. In fact, I used google docs. I don’t konw if you’ve heard about this: it’s a browser-based word processing program. It crashed on me perhaps twice in the process of writing a fucking book. You start wheezing trying to save a bulleted list, you fat asthmatic turd.

I don’t know what’s causing the bloat, but you damn well better find a way to fix it. Lay off the cake. Stop eating the ice cream. If you’re so sad Clippy’s gone, find some other way to cry about it besides attempting to chow down on an entire clip art gallery just in case someone wants an image. I promise you I’ll jump off the roof before using one of those, so you can spare yourself the effort.

I’m serious. Cut this shit out. Or I swear I’ll re-arrange your preferences so hard you’ll have to run a diagnostic scan to find your 0s and 1s.

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