I was gonna wait to write a post until I could write something that wasn’t about fatherhood. But everything’s about fatherhood these days, so that’s retarded. I think instead I’ll just run down some highlights from the last month.
-People won’t tell you if your breath stinks, if your fly is down, or if your boss is standing behind you while you rant about what an asshole they are. But they’ll tell you in a second how to raise your child.
-Before I had a kid, I would listen to people who had kids. They would say things like “I wish I could find the time to work out.” And I would secretly think to myself “You have the time, you’re just prioritizing sleep. Cut out an hour of sleep from your schedule, you have the time. It’s what I do. If you wanted it badly enough, you could make it a priority, and you could work out.” Dear people who had kids I secretly thought that about- I am so, so sorry. Please forgive me. Love, Ben.
-The Spawn rolled over at the age of 7 days. No, she hasn’t repeated it since. But we put her on her stomach and she flipped the hell out and did a push-up at the same time her legs spasmed and over she went. It counts. My child is a genius. Alert Yale.
-In the last week she’s discovered how to scream in her sleep. She’s not unhappy. If you go over to the crib, she’s got both eye closed and isn’t moving at all. But she’ll scream. In her sleep. She gets this shit from The Wife.
-A lot of parents write some sort of letter to their child every month. I guess I could do that, but even if I did, it seems weird to post it in public. Also, I managed to work as hard as I think I ever have in advertising, while still having to get up every 3 hours to feed The Spawn. My feelings on this are mixed. On the one hand, now I know I can do it. On the other hand, ouch. So, I put this post up instead, and that’ll do for now.