A Copywriter’s Blog
I saved the world. Again. Ben Levy 22, August

This time from aliens. And, having now saved mankind from extinction more times than I can count, I’d just like to say the following:

No thanks to you jerks.

Seriously, whether it’s been zombies, aliens, or evil wizards, the population in danger has insisted on offering no help whatsoever. I’m saving you bums from total annihilation, subjugation, and/or extinction, and not one of you cuts me a break.

Yeah, merchant with the bazooka who refuses to sell it to me for four dollars less than the listed price forcing me to take on a Sherman tank with a handgun, I’m talking to you. Look, it’s not like I’m asking you to pick up the damn thing and join me in my single-handed fight to save the world from an eternity of darkness. Heaven forbid. No, no, don’t get up, I’ll save humanity all on my own. All I’m asking is that you hand me the freaking anti-tank weapon so that I can KILL THE TANK.

And don’t act all smug, Random Civilians. You’re no better. This may come as a shock to you, but I get shot at. A lot. And it’d be just super if you gave me something to hide behind. A place of cover, if you will. Like, I don’t know, your home? Never happens. Instead, I wind up hunkered down behind a wooden crate in the middle of the street because every door -regardless of it being a mud hut or an apartment in a 20 mile high skyscraper- every door is practically welded shut. I’m not asking for much, I think. Just leave the door open so I can duck inside and restock one of the 10 guns, crossbows, wands or other random projectiles I’m carrying. You don’t even have to do anything special. In fact, I’m asking you to remember one less thing when fleeing for your worthless lives. Don’t. Lock. The door.

Honestly, the only people that ever helped me out were those nice elves from Hyrule. Decent folk, those Hyrulians. Hyrulites. Um, Hyranians? Damn good people, anyway. Y’know what they do? They take all their rupees and leave ‘em in pots. Hide ‘em on their front lawn. Bury ‘em in the backyard. It’s great. All I have to do is break some pots. Money in the bank. Then I can buy healing potions, better swords, a magic shield or two. That’s a population that appreciates being saved. Why can’t the rest of you bastards be more like Hyrule?

Of course, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation if you idiots would just stop experimenting with bio-weapons and waking evil wizards. Just saying.

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